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Conservatory v Extensions
Conservatory KAPOW! No planning permission
needed! Just ask your planning officer!
Extension BIFF! Why phone the planning officer
if you don't need planning permission then smarty-pants?
Conservatory SMASH! Always best to check these
things, plus he'll say yes or no over the phone for free, not
charge 400+ a planning application.
Extension CRUNCH! OK, but just you trying
hammering in a nail to hang a picture on your glorified greenhouse,
you big girl.
Conservatory OOMPH! I assume you meant that as
an insult - just like an extension to be a sexist pig. Anyhow, you
can have conservatories with one brick wall - perfect for such
purposes as hanging pictures or even putting up shelves.
Extension PUNCH! You can't rise up more than
one storey like I can in all my magnificence!
Conservatory BOFF! It's always just size, size,
size with you isn't it? Whereas with me it's about light &
space that gloriously segues from inside to outside so that both
can be enjoyed all year round. Oh yes, and I'm cheaper and can be
knocked up in no time
Extension: "Cheaper... can be knocked up in no
time." Ha ha...
Conservatory: Easy Tiger or I'll take a carpet
cutter to your fixtures & fittings.
RESULT: An entertaining score draw - only you
Hack back all growth like you're an invading horde of Huns to
avoid being swallowed alive by all growth, from Japanese Knotweed
to Jasmine flowers, by mid-June. The effort will pay dividends come
Cash Rich/Time Poor Gardening
Do your bit for economic recovery (and preventing the onset of
sciatica) by employing a professional gardener to do it.
Cash Poor/Time Poor Gardening
Concrete over the whole blooming lot of it and improve cash
situation by using space as a pay car park. Watch that sciatica
though; laying concrete - especially when it's hot - makes
gardening seem like a walk in the park.
Gardening other people's land without permission. Geurilla
Gardeners range from moderate types who are just a bit thoughtless
about land boundaries, to full-blown extremist politicos who want
to hold all the land in common. A bit like 'The Diggers' in
The English Civil War - only 350 years too late.
Plonk yourself down on a sun lounger like the great ape you are,
don shades, connect MP3 player, open tin of something cold and soak
up rays. When it's dark all day and you can't find your way to
another frosty one, face facts and choose one of four options
"Ne'er cast a clout until May be
Means? 'Always wear a vest until June 1st as it
can still get chilly in May.' Just ask any gardener who forgot to
protect his little darlin's when one of May's usual frosts tore
Always? You Mean No Naughty Nightwear! Fear not
oh frisky one. Earliest known version of the rhyme is found in Dr.
Thomas Fyller's Gnomologia of 1732. In the 18th century
double glazing, loft insulation & central heating were unknown,
even to the rich, so bedtime apparel was worn by even the hardiest
amorous twosome. Not like these days when you can jump into be
au naturale on the coldest of nights.
I've a 'friend' whose house is always cold thanks to a
lack of creature comforts you describe. What should he do?
Easy. Your, ahem, 'friend' should put a vest on - then investigate
some simple heat-saving/home improvement measures. You, I mean your
friend, can even get government grants for some things.
Great & goodbye - must dash! Where are you
rushing off to?
To find my vest and a phone....
DIY injuries, mishaps and general mayhem are never more frequent
than in May, according to the latest survey from the AA.
Choc-a-bloc with more bank holidays than you could shake a rotary
saw at, more DIY takes place in May than in any other month, so we
shouldn't be too surprised that A&E departments all
over the country this year are full of men & women sporting
utility belts and a crosshead screwdriver through their otherwise
soft, unblemished and definitely white collar hands.
What's more, according AA Insurance (they do that too? -
Ed) Big Cheese Simon Douglas, less than half of home contents
policyholders have an Accidental Damage Extension despite the
whopping increase in accidental damage claims in May.
Simon says the biggest single such claim will be the ol'
favourite of comedy capesters everywhere, namely the accidental
drilling through of a water pipe, leading to 'escape of
So DIYsters, a top tip from us: TURN YOUR RUDDY WATER
OFF WHEN PLUMBING! And a top tip from them: GET AN ACCIDENTAL
Its advice like that that lead some to call the AA the '4th
Emergency Service.' So what's that make us then?
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