HOW WE DU IT : OUR BLOG

Conservatory v Extensions

Conservatory KAPOW! No planning permission needed! Just ask your planning officer!

Extension BIFF! Why phone the planning officer if you don't need planning permission then smarty-pants?

Conservatory SMASH! Always best to check these things, plus he'll say yes or no over the phone for free, not charge 400+ a planning application.

Extension CRUNCH! OK, but just you trying hammering in a nail to hang a picture on your glorified greenhouse, you big girl.

Conservatory OOMPH! I assume you meant that as an insult - just like an extension to be a sexist pig. Anyhow, you can have conservatories with one brick wall - perfect for such purposes as hanging pictures or even putting up shelves.

Extension PUNCH! You can't rise up more than one storey like I can in all my magnificence!

Conservatory BOFF! It's always just size, size, size with you isn't it? Whereas with me it's about light & space that gloriously segues from inside to outside so that both can be enjoyed all year round. Oh yes, and I'm cheaper and can be knocked up in no time

Extension: "Cheaper... can be knocked up in no time." Ha ha...

Conservatory: Easy Tiger or I'll take a carpet cutter to your fixtures & fittings.

RESULT: An entertaining score draw - only you can decide...

Gardening

Traditional Gardening:

Hack back all growth like you're an invading horde of Huns to avoid being swallowed alive by all growth, from Japanese Knotweed to Jasmine flowers, by mid-June. The effort will pay dividends come summer.

Cash Rich/Time Poor Gardening

Do your bit for economic recovery (and preventing the onset of sciatica) by employing a professional gardener to do it.

Cash Poor/Time Poor Gardening

Concrete over the whole blooming lot of it and improve cash situation by using space as a pay car park. Watch that sciatica though; laying concrete - especially when it's hot - makes gardening seem like a walk in the park.

Guerrilla Gardening

Gardening other people's land without permission. Geurilla Gardeners range from moderate types who are just a bit thoughtless about land boundaries, to full-blown extremist politicos who want to hold all the land in common.  A bit like 'The Diggers' in The English Civil War - only 350 years too late.

Gorilla Gardening.

Plonk yourself down on a sun lounger like the great ape you are, don shades, connect MP3 player, open tin of something cold and soak up rays. When it's dark all day and you can't find your way to another frosty one, face facts and choose one of four options above.

"Ne'er cast a clout until May be out"

Means? 'Always wear a vest until June 1st as it can still get chilly in May.' Just ask any gardener who forgot to protect his little darlin's when one of May's usual frosts tore into them.

Always? You Mean No Naughty Nightwear! Fear not oh frisky one. Earliest known version of the rhyme is found in Dr. Thomas Fyller's Gnomologia of 1732. In the 18th century double glazing, loft insulation & central heating were unknown, even to the rich, so bedtime apparel was worn by even the hardiest amorous twosome. Not like these days when you can jump into be au naturale on the coldest of nights.

I've a 'friend' whose house is always cold thanks to a lack of creature comforts you describe. What should he do? Easy. Your, ahem, 'friend' should put a vest on - then investigate some simple heat-saving/home improvement measures. You, I mean your friend, can even get government grants for some things.

Great & goodbye - must dash! Where are you rushing off to?

To find my vest and a phone....

DIY DISASTER!

DIY injuries, mishaps and general mayhem are never more frequent than in May, according to the latest survey from the AA. Choc-a-bloc with more bank holidays than you could shake a rotary saw at, more DIY takes place in May than in any other month, so we shouldn't be too surprised that A&E departments all over the country this year are full of men & women sporting utility belts and a crosshead screwdriver through their otherwise soft, unblemished and definitely white collar hands.

What's more, according AA Insurance (they do that too? - Ed) Big Cheese Simon Douglas, less than half of home contents policyholders have an Accidental Damage Extension despite the whopping increase in accidental damage claims in May.

Simon says the biggest single such claim will be the ol' favourite of comedy capesters everywhere, namely the accidental drilling through of a water pipe, leading to 'escape of water.'

So DIYsters, a top tip from us: TURN YOUR RUDDY WATER OFF WHEN PLUMBING! And a top tip from them: GET AN ACCIDENTAL DAMAGE EXTENSION.

Its advice like that that lead some to call the AA the '4th Emergency Service.' So what's that make us then?