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Football? Crazy? What's totally barking is even
thinking about home improvements from June 11th to July
11th when the World Cup's on. So wifey's discovered all your
supporting walls are papier-mâché. What's that compared to watching
France v Nigeria (you read it here first) in the 2nd Round? And
should the partner of a free born Englishman so much as
cough disapproval at an actual England match, why, drag
'em off to The Tower and leave them there until the European
Championships 2012 and see if they've got a cough then!
Our Nation has gone World Cup chocolate teapot bonkers and quite
rightly so. Even our Scots, Welsh and N. Irish cousins, sadly
failing to qualify (again), have downed their Dragons and Saltires
and hoisted the flag of St. George to support another British team
in South Africa for World Cup 2010: mighty England! Thanks boyos,
you know we'd do the same for you. And we hope that Murrymint fella
comes good with his string bats too.
However, we aren't one dimensional Neanderthals. In fact I'd
even suggest taking a few domestic precautions before the 11th just
in case. Bill Shankley might not have thought football a matter of
life and death, but no one told the Malaysian wife of one Man Utd
supporting hubby. When the Red Devils beat Malaysia 3-2 in a
pre-season friendly, his missus stabbed him twice in the chest!
Fortunately he recovered. From his wounds that is.
Thankfully, the feelings the average 'football widow' has for
international matches is usually more positive than those for
domestic ones. Some spouses can even become hysterical about 'two
tigers on a blouse' during England games (please try harder - it's
three lions and they're on a shirt).
Still, facts are facts: Research shows 11% of fans expect their
relationships to be more stressed during the World Cup, with
Gooners being most at risk. The reason? No, not because Arsenal
fans know they won't be buying any of the talent on show (cheeky)
but because the partners of fans, whatever the club, can feel
So follow our tips and no one will feel neglected and you'll
still be a loving couple on July 12th. You might even have a nicer
home to go mad in when Rooney scores the first hat-trick in a World
Cup final since Geoff Hurst, bless him!
Yellow Card: If you've a dodgy old fuse box,
upgrade to a modern circuit breaker. It's safer and, if a power
surge cuts the leccy, just flick a switch and up will pop Crouchy
like a very long salmon to head in at the far post, along with the
rest of your electricity supply! England secure Group C win.
Goal! Give the garden a short back & sides
and it'll be a pleasant place to enjoy the sun between matches.
Better still, get a pro in to spruce up the place. Some flowers
here, a herbaceous border there and, when her ladyship takes a peak
over the top of her Jackie Collins, a neat burst of colour will put
a smile on her face. We'll smile too, beating Serbia in the second
Two nil! You invite people round for the
difficult quarter final against hosts S. Africa. Pity bright
sunshine ruins a TV's picture or you could have had a patio party -
my, isn't that a new awning, providing a cool, shady area to watch
your widescreen free from direct sunlight and in perfect clarity?!
He shoots, he scores and England are in the semis!
Second yellow and off! Oh no! Two yellows means
a sending off for Heskey! Well it's off for Emile and everyone else
just because you forgot to pay your multi-channel subscription.
Luckily, you get through to 'payments' on your moby just as your
'mates' are throwing a noose over a suitable branch. The picture is
restored just as Joe Cole puts out Italy with England's fifth and
final penalty of a nerve-shattering semi-final shoot out with 10
men. No Heskey for the final but is that going to stop us?
CHAMPIONS! It's not skill, grit or luck that
wins a World Cup party: it's all three. Grit to stick to your guns
and get that built-in BBQ; the skill with which DU.IT built
it, along with the awning, right where you can always see the TV;
and finally, the sheer luck that allowed you to barbecue steak to
perfection as Rooney ran the Samba Boys ragged to hit his hat-trick
in the 90th minute of the final. They think it's all over. One hell
of an all-nighter celebrating England's first World Cup victory on
your re-vamped patio & back garden - and it is now!
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