On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to
The Real Construction Deluxe Workshop - Wow!
The 'Deluxe Workshop' is the most wanted toy this
Yuletide, according to Argos's poll of Christmas 2010's top 10
toys! Loads of UK's kids must want to be builders, chippies,
plumbers and the like when they grow up to make this toy No1 in the
retailer's poll. We like it. It means loads of budding DUIT staff
from the kids who get one - and loads more people who need their
services because they got the Zhu Zhu Pink Pizazz Playset instead -
it only reached No.7 in Argos's poll.
On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to
£236-worth of exterior Christmas decorations!
Over 50% of UK homes will be festively decorated with flashing
Santas and stuff this Christmas, with an average spend of £236 per
home! And did you know that if this average household were to have
'em on six hours a day from November to January, it would be like
adding an extra three weeks-worth of juice to their leccy bills!
That's what the survey from Go Compare reckons anyway. If only I
knew of a handy electricity price comparison site - I'd whizz there
at the speed of (a Christmas) light!
On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to
The receipt for those exterior decorations!
We're off to get a refund because some claim a fifth of house fires
are caused by an electrical fault! Another quarter are caused by
the wrong use of electrical equipment! And such incidents
increase hugely at Christmas - 300% in 2007! So says insurance
company More Than anyway. Its Funster-in-Chief, Keith Maxwell,
says: "More Than urges people to be cautious as the nightmare
scenario of a Christmas in flames can occur." Nightmare
scenario of a Christmas in flames! Do children cry when you
look at them Keith?
On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to
An Electric Gizmo! I was just reading a blog
from a 'typical' DIY-er on Yell.com. His toolbox is full of gadgets
he's only used once. If only he'd a tool with loads of different
attachments, he could do nearly any job with the one
gadget. Capital idea! Whose idea was it? Why, Dremel's of
course, or so it said in the 'impartial' blog! Dremel? Aren't they
manufacturers of electric multitools with loads of different
attachments that make it perfect for just about any job! Ah shucks,
thanks for the 'impartial' tip. I wish my gizmo was a
On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to
A lift to the dump to throw away my gift gizmo.
Dremel included. Well that's what 31% of us do with gifts of
gadgets & gizmos each year according to the British Video
Association. And the average cost of each unwanted gizmo? £88.75p.
That makes £1.1 billion of gizmos chucked. Forget the
Boxing Days sales; I'm off to the local dump. Who said Christmas
was just a spendfest dreamt up by consumer society to get us to buy
things we don't want?
On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to
The fantastic news that burglaries are down
10%! Wow, that's amazing! And it was all down to
Hertfordshire's 'Operation Guardian' campaign. With what special
methods did campaign chief Detective Chief Inspector Trevor
Rodenhurst achieve this spectacular success? By advising people to
"make sure all our windows and doors are locked." That's
genius Chief and justifies a 100% increase in our council tax
On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to
A top-notch home security system to keep us safe in our
beds! Seems that Hertfordshire copper has got it wrong. In
a recession crime goes up - by a whopping 19% according to the
Scottish Crime and Justice Survey. Hang on, we don't live
in Scotland! Ah, but we don't live in Herts either. What to do? If
we weren't filled with the charitable virtues of Christmas, I might
treat the Public Relations industry with a bit more cinnamon. I
mean cynicism - that wouldn't be Christmassywissy. Unlike this
warming flagon of fortified mulled wine wot I've been drinkin. Hic!
On the eight day of Christmas my true love gave to
A Black & Decker Auto Levelling Laser.
There are two good reasons I won't be taking this gadget
to the dump. 1. It's a laser and lasers are dead cool. 2. I'm far
too drunk to walk, let alone drive. At all.
On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to
An invitation to do a DIY job - with her! Whose
idea was this massive domestic bomb waiting to explode? Some expert
relationship counsellor? No, it's Andrew Leech's, director of the
National Home Improvement Council. Andrew, are you mad?
Andy thinks the woman in a live-together relationship feels obliged
to save money by doing some DIY themselves. Andrew, do you live
with a woman? Your mother doesn't count. He says it was a survey by
Bosch Power Tools that led him to this opinion when he read how
78% of women have used 'power tools' to do 'DIY' themselves.
Too save money you mucky man. Best dump this 'gift' and
promise to fix that leaky tap on your own in return for a cup of
tea while fixing it...
On the 10th day of Christmas my true love gave to
A pair of socks. What on earth am I meant to do
with these? Hang them on the mantlepiece on Christmas Eve or put
them on my feet (cheapskate)?
On the 11th Day of Christmas my true love gave to
A two week Christmas holiday skiing so we could have the
house redecorated while we're away! That's a
fantastic idea! We get away from the in-laws, all that Yuletide
hassle and cornyness and when we come home our entire house will be
completely transformed! And all I have to do is let a trusted group
of full service professionals get on with the job! And they'll help
keep burglars away (if Scotland & Hertfordshire police forces
can work out if burglaries are going up or down).
On the 12th Day of Christmas my true love gave to
A partridge in a pear tree? If you wanted to go
all traditional, why not go for the five gold rings? That would
have paid for the home improvements, our Christmas holiday
and ensured we had a prosperous New Year. However much we
get, we always want more, don't we?
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!