HOW WE DU IT : OUR BLOG

The notion 'plumber loving' usually invokes - at best - is Robin Asquith in the 1970s 'Confessions of…' films, complete with willing ladies and a wonderfully dog-faced Arthur Mullard. At worst, visions of 'adult' German videos where a scantily-clad blonde answers the door to a plumber (complete with bad mullet and dodgy 'tache) and declares: "Mein gott! Vot a large wrench you have there!" followed by "Oh boompson!" as her negligee falls to the floor, leaving her naked and giving the plumber's cue to start gurning. You get the picture. You do? You filthy man!

That 'plumbing' and 'love' is mentioned in February is particularly cruel as this is the month when you wished you'd called your plumber to service your boiler last November, as your heating will invariably pack up in this, the coldest month of the year. Then comes the thaw when you have to call him again, this time to fix the leaking pipes you forgot to ask him to lag after he'd sorted your boiler.

Yet this horror is as nothing compared to the two words that strike fear in most men this month: Valentine's Day. You know chocolates and flowers won't cut it and the only person around to ask advice is the bloody plumber! Well calm down fella, he's just the bloke you need.

For starters he's sorting your heating and what ever Gok may say, naked men never look their best when the temperature approaches 0^o. And however adventurous your relationship maybe, we're pretty sure your gal's idea of water sports doesn't include leaking pipes. Strike two for our friendly tradesman.

But the real aces up our plumber's sleeve are his solutions to your Valentine's gift problems, none of which require a mullet or extensive knowledge of the films of Robin Asquith.

As readers of relationship guide: 'Women Are From Venus, Men Are From Hell and Should Stay There, the Selfish Lying Gits' will know, the bear-like male needs a 'den' to feel inner peace. What the book fails to fully grasp is that women too need their 'den'. That's why there's one room in every house that's unquestionably female territory. Woe betides any man that should sully this temple to womanhood with his selfish, sacrilegious maleness, for she will defend this hallowed place with claws of surgical sharpness: the bathroom.

Bathroom improvements demand much sensitivity, but if done well she'll appreciate the real thought you put into this gift (that this thought was it'll make the house more saleable is best kept to oneself). It need not be costly either, depending on the bathroom's state in the first place. If it's really rank, a decent clean (you can rent steam cleaners by the day), new shower curtain or cubicle (from £20 up) and a few scented candles can be done yourself and will make a surprising difference.

If you're budget's healthier, ask the plumber (the one that's fixing your boiler and leaking pipes) for his ideas. Any plumber from a decent outfit will be happy to advise, especially if you've just shoved a cuppa in his hands.

New, matching taps can add some good value style. For a more dramatic difference, upgrade to a thermostatic power shower. Ask your man there and look around DIY stores. You'll soon find ones that give back change from £200.

Those hoping the wow factor will get them an invite at bath time, check out some baths with the taps at the side - much more comfortable for two. Alternatively, a shower with multiple heads, so your whole body gets sprayed constantly, can be most… stimulating.

So if it's a few pounds or a few hundred you have, such gifts will be so memorable you'll both want to get dirty. Just remember that bathroom fixtures and fittings cannot be bought at the garage on the way home, nor can a Corgi registered plumber to install them.

Finally, if your beloved surprises you with a gift of the complete boxed set of Robin Asquith's 'Confessions of…' films, let alone those German jobbies, there may be things about her you don't know but sure will have fun finding out this February 14^th. Happy Valentine's day!

The weekend had given Mavis two days to come to terms with the news of Ted's prostrate cancer. So that's why Ted's behaviour had been so uncharacteristic of him recently. Not that this knowledge made Ted's absence on Monday morning any easier for Mavis and her worry for him only grew. Was Ted OK? Had he been for more tests or had he just felt too ill to come in? Mavis couldn't even offer him some words of comfort. By 5pm Monday Mavis was in an even worse state than she had been at 9am, as impossible as that may seem.

Fortunately, Ted was back at work on Tuesday, just in time to stop Mavis snapping like and over-wound spring. Calmed by his presence, Mavis could see from the vantage point of her trolley that everyone had 'tea and sympathy' for Ted in abundance. Although well intentioned, Mavis could also see that it didn't take Ted long to get fed up with words like: "I'm so sorry to hear about your, your illness," from everyone he met. If people had to talk about his prostate cancer, Ted wished they'd just come out and say 'cancer' rather than struggling with euphemisms that were uncomfortable for both of them?

Mavis cracked a small joke about her colleague's awkwardness and was pleased to see her approach was the right one. It had Ted genuinely smiling for the first time in days. Having lost her own husband to lung cancer some five years ago, Mavis knew that most sufferers would rather talk about something else if people couldn't just call a spade a spade when asking about their cancer.

Mavis also knew that prostate cancer, if caught early enough, could often be treated successfully, far more so than most other types of the disease in men. So when she heard Ted would get his results revealing if the cancer had spread from his prostate on the following Monday, she knew this weekend would be the hardest he'd have to face in this battle so far.

Typically for our kind hearted tea lady, she told Ted to call her at any time. Ted had many such offers but he instinctively knew Mavis's offer was entirely genuine. All they could do now was wait for Monday, either alone or together.

The New Year came and went just as Xmas had done before, until that horrible day could not be forgotten or ignored anymore: the first day back at work.

This day is so universally abhorred it's almost a fundamental part of human nature. Like a psychological self defence mechanism, we humans dread this day so much that, when it actually happens, parts of our subconscious are jumping up and down, screaming: "Hey, this ain't so bad, isn't it what we did before all those presents, turkey, kids and stuff made the last couple of weeks stress hell? Yeah, I think it is. Let's go talk to some people around the drinks cooler or maybe a tea trolley!"

And so Mavis found herself dispensing the beverage 'that cheers but not inebriates', and by lunchtime it was like nothing had ever changed. Only for Mavis something had changed: Operations Manager Ted Bundy.

Ted and Mavis went way back, back further than any of her colleagues knew. If they did they'd know that they'd gone to school together and, ever so briefly, had been sweethearts. But new jobs happen and new people are met and before you know it Ted and Mavis were slipping shiny rings on fingers and saying "I do", only to two completely different individuals altogether.

Still, both Mavis and Ted were pleased when found themselves both working for DU.IT. And Mavis thought she knew when Ted was not right. True, being in and out of the office, sometimes for days at a time without anyone knowing where he was gave the game away just a bit. See young Ted had grown into a not-so-young Operations Manager. This was a pretty high-powered role for a building and Maintenance Company, so such behaviour was a clue not even the dimmest Watson needed Sherlock pointing out for him.

Then there was his 'attitude'. Usually a friendly guy, especially with Mavis, his manner had become short as if he had somewhere else to be. Not rude as such but, when someone won't make eye contact with an old friend, Mavis new something was up. On Friday 15th of January at 4.00pm, Mavis, and her colleagues, were to find out just what….

Everybody was asked to meet their line manager for a meeting at that time. As Mavis didn't really have one, Colin the MD had asked her to have tea with him. Everyone was concerned - were there to be redundancies? Times were tough but DU.IT still kept its entire staff busy so what was up?

Come 4pm on Friday Mavis entered Colin's office, wondering if she was to lose her job. She wasn't, Colin quickly assured her. But Mavis wished she was when he revealed the truth about Ted, the reason for the absences and his uncharacteristic manner. "You see Mavis," said Colin, "I'm sorry to tell you that Ted has prostrate cancer. He wants to carry on as normally as possible while he fights this thing, undergoing treatment and such, and it's up to us to help him." Mavis mentally promised that she would - no matter how much that promise may cost her.

To be continued ...